i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
