He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
