You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
