So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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