I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
