My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
