Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
