Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
