I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
