Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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