He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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