i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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