mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize