apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
