I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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