So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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