I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
