Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
