i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
