I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
