sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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