you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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