he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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