How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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