Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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