I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
