I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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