she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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