Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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