The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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