Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
