Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
