he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
