6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
