I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
