he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
