people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
