What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
