Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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