There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
