the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
