I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
