ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
