do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
