just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
