Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
