I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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