he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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