I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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