Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
