This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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