i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
