Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
