READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
