I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
